Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Scherzo for Schizos
Promote a concert that you know will never happen.
On the evening of the concert, show up with a kazoo and a banjo and attempt to play the Star Spangled Banner.
On the evening of the concert, show up with a kazoo and a banjo and attempt to play the Star Spangled Banner.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Feeble Minded Horsethieves
Right uh letter using all the wrong homonyms.
Tomorrow, right forteen letters. A pear four each day of the week.
Peach.
Tomorrow, right forteen letters. A pear four each day of the week.
Peach.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Monsterously Dangerous Chemical Clouds
Eat nothing but soybeans for 7 days.
The following 7 days, eat nothing but pepperoni.
Take scientific records of bowel movements including size, shape, consistency and smell.
Bonus FluxPoints for pictures and blogs regarding this experiment.
Repeat ad nauseum.
The following 7 days, eat nothing but pepperoni.
Take scientific records of bowel movements including size, shape, consistency and smell.
Bonus FluxPoints for pictures and blogs regarding this experiment.
Repeat ad nauseum.
Bill Nye, The (Genocidal) Science Guy
Label everything in your home as a biohazard.
Walk around all day mumbling to yourself about how the government is out to get you.
Forward propaganda and conspiracy theory emails to everyone on your address book.
Deny everything.
Even that you've read this post.
Walk around all day mumbling to yourself about how the government is out to get you.
Forward propaganda and conspiracy theory emails to everyone on your address book.
Deny everything.
Even that you've read this post.
Brontosaurus
Ignition sequence engaged.
Beginning to launch.
Launched.
That ham from earlier has gone bad.
Beginning to launch.
Launched.
That ham from earlier has gone bad.
Robot Uprising
If I were a robot, would you tell me?
Would I want you to tell me?
Would I believe you if you told me?
Would I want you to tell me?
Would I believe you if you told me?
Overture to an Imaginary Opera, Part VI
Be excited for something that doesn't excite you. Ham, for example.
Banjo Serenaders
Make minute adjustments to your consciousness using only a torque wrench and $4 worth of duct tape.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Triple Fudge Sundaes
Don't leave your house during the day. Complete all tasks between Sundown and Sunrise.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Forget Me Nots
Dial 7 random digits.
Ask for George.
Repeat until you get a George.
Ask for George Twisselbottom.
Repeat until you get a George Twisselbottom.
If you get a George Twisselbottom, you have won.
Ask for George.
Repeat until you get a George.
Ask for George Twisselbottom.
Repeat until you get a George Twisselbottom.
If you get a George Twisselbottom, you have won.
Oops
Get drunk and draw on your own face.
Make sure to use as many phallic objects in your art as possible.
Make sure to use as many phallic objects in your art as possible.
That same Zeppelin Race
Light a can of WD-40 ablaze in your living room. Light marshmallows while dodging shrapnel.
Yarbrough Fair
Smash your face into a pane of glass.
Tell onlookers you were taking one for the team.
Tell onlookers you were taking one for the team.
Avant Garde Shit
Be a Pretentious Douche-Nozzle for 2 days.
If you don't know how to be one,
You already have performed this piece.
If you don't know how to be one,
You already have performed this piece.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Tron Carter Memorial High School
six packs of Chewing Gum sit on a rack.
five fall down.
three remain.
five fall down.
three remain.
Pardon My Stench
Go to the local farmers market and purchase as many vegetables as you can afford.
Place them in a pile in the center of the market and begin reselling them for 10% of what you paid.
If confronted, claim sanctuary.
Place them in a pile in the center of the market and begin reselling them for 10% of what you paid.
If confronted, claim sanctuary.
White Slavery and a Zeppelin Race
Open a portal to nowhere using the blood of a goat and a virgin sacrifice.
Open a Blimpie there.
Open a Blimpie there.
Dipsticks Aweigh
Fondle mannequins at department stores until you are told to stop.
Fondle the person telling you to stop.
Fondle the person telling you to stop.
Eggplant Parliament
Buy an ice cream cone from your local vendor.
Throw that ice cream cone as hard as you can on the ground.
Demand a new ice cream cone.
Repeat.
Throw that ice cream cone as hard as you can on the ground.
Demand a new ice cream cone.
Repeat.
Charles Nelson Reilly
Bring about the apocalypse using only two toothpicks and a 1956 Chevrolet Bel-Air.
The Promise of Living
Throw a lemon at your friend.
Apologize.
Explain that the high cost of gasoline has made you edgy.
Repeat.
Apologize.
Explain that the high cost of gasoline has made you edgy.
Repeat.
Charlie Bonnet and his magic Bag
You are not you.
I am not me.
We are not we.
She is you.
I am he.
We are she.
I am not we.
I am not me.
We are not we.
She is you.
I am he.
We are she.
I am not we.
Anenome
Stand fast to one spot in a mall...ask people to bring you food.
Explain that you can't eat the food as you are a filter feeder and can only eat plankton.
Ask for plankton.
Explain that you can't eat the food as you are a filter feeder and can only eat plankton.
Ask for plankton.
Loren's Dilemma
The broccoli must touch the chicken,
the chicken must touch the peas,
the peas mustn't ever touch the broccoli,
the gravy covers it all.
Does the gravy simultaneously connect all points hither there to?
the chicken must touch the peas,
the peas mustn't ever touch the broccoli,
the gravy covers it all.
Does the gravy simultaneously connect all points hither there to?
Penis
Penis penis penis penis penis
Penis penis penis penis penis, penis penis.
Penis penis penis penis penis.
Penis penis penis penis penis, penis penis.
Penis penis penis penis penis.
Accusations in D-flat Minor
Accuse someone of doing something innocuous but as if it were the most heinous thing in the known universe.
Never back down.
Never back down.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Mediocrity Event
1. Buy a watermelon.
2. Treat this watermelon as if it were your spouse.
3. Speak candidly about making love to your watermelon spouse. Refer to them as the top/giver no matter which gender you are.
4. Sadly explain that they are inadequate in bed.
5. Eat watermelon salad the next day.
2. Treat this watermelon as if it were your spouse.
3. Speak candidly about making love to your watermelon spouse. Refer to them as the top/giver no matter which gender you are.
4. Sadly explain that they are inadequate in bed.
5. Eat watermelon salad the next day.
Martial Law
1. Declare martial law at a department store.
2. Arrange the mannequins in phalanxes.
3. CHARGE!
2. Arrange the mannequins in phalanxes.
3. CHARGE!
Full Moon Happening
Argue publicly with a friend that the Moon is entirely too small for your taste.
If at all possible, attempt to get a piece on the topic published in a local newspaper.
If at all possible, attempt to get a piece on the topic published in a local newspaper.
1040FU
File your taxes this year.
Try as hard as you can to be audited.
Show up for the audit dressed impeccably.
Speak in gibberish.
Try as hard as you can to be audited.
Show up for the audit dressed impeccably.
Speak in gibberish.
Lemon Lime Surprise
Get 6 lemons and 5 limes.
While purchasing at the register, complain about the lack of oranges.
When confronted by the fact that the store has oranges, accuse the cashier of colluding with the citrus growers to jack up the price of citrus.
Leave without paying.
While purchasing at the register, complain about the lack of oranges.
When confronted by the fact that the store has oranges, accuse the cashier of colluding with the citrus growers to jack up the price of citrus.
Leave without paying.
Dimwit Investigations
Perform open heart surgery on your brother...if you don't have a brother, perform it on yourself.
Karma Event
Give money to charity to the point that your possessions are repossessed and your life becomes a shambles.
Apply for help from that charity.
Apply for help from that charity.
Change
Eat as many nickels as you can in one minute. Challenge a friend to eat the same amount of money in pennies.
Get together in 12 hours to see how much change was recovered.
Get together in 12 hours to see how much change was recovered.
Project for Nighttime
1. Draw anything you want on a piece of butcher paper.
2. Take it outside.
3. Fight it to the death on your front lawn.
4. Declare victory.
2. Take it outside.
3. Fight it to the death on your front lawn.
4. Declare victory.
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